"This is one of the things that confuses me," he said. "How can you go to the house of a man you don't know?" I really just want to sing and I told him that. He looked completely irked.
He told me, "You have two choices here. You can be American and live like you are an American in Sudan. Or you can be with the family and be Sudanese and live by our rules."
But no, I don't have to choose. And I won't. I want to know what he needs from me. I want to know what he can live with and what he can't. I can make changes but I won't become a different person. I am American and Sudanese. And he knew that from the beginning, from day one. And there is no choice. I am who I am. I thought he loved me for who I was. If he wants to marry someone who is Sudaniya, Sudanese, mia al mia, 100%, he should go find her.
Because I'm not that girl. Nor do I want to be. I am proud to be who I am: Sudanese and American and an artist and a mother and a damn good teacher and an activist and a New Yorker and a writer and so many more things. I am proud to be creative and intelligent and passionate and strong and loving and sexy and beautiful. I don't want to be some other girl. I will not hide who I am nor pretend to be invisible as I am required to by "the rules." And though there are tears in my eyes as I write this, if he needs me to do that, he's fallen in love with somebody who I will never be.
Beyond that, he needs to undergo some thorough self-examination. Because he doesn't follow the rules. If he did, he wouldn't be with me. I wouldn't be wearing this ring and these gold hoops wouldn't be hanging from my ears. I wouldn't know the comfort of his arms or the warmth and gentleness of his hands. Nor the softness of his lips or the sweetness of his words.
He's being a hypocrite, picking and choosing which words of the Qur'an and which rules of Sudanese society he will follow. The hypocrisy is not in this choice. The choice is a natural and expected part of living and being an adult. The hypocrisy lies in his attempt to hold others, myself included, to a higher standard than that to which he holds himself.
He will have to decide what kind of man he wants to be. I can live with his imperfection but not his hypocrisy.
I'm not that girl.
I always say you can't control what others say or do (or the decisions they make); you can only control your reaction to them. And I also have a phobia about being "defined". There are too many facets to me, I've lived too many lives and have too much blood mixed up in me to be defined by other people's rules. It's a problem, I know. It makes me terrified to get a job though I know I need one, because the minute someone tells me "These are your choices" my hackles go up. I decide my choices.
ReplyDeleteSo what your man laid out to you... lol. I think you had a better reaction--certainly a more patient one--than I would have had. I admire you for this. On the other hand, though, loving someone gives you amazing amounts of patience to wait, to see what choices your loved one will make. But yet, as I think about it, he's got a point. Because Sudanese society is bigger than you, and they are only going to see you one of two ways. As an American in Sudan which will give you freedom from their rules, or as a Sudanese which will bring you acceptance. It's kind of a shitty choice, if you ask me... and reading your writing (dang you've been busy :) )I sort of lean to the first choice. But then you're right... HE'S got to choose which woman he can love... the strong and independant American woman, or the socially accepted Sudanese one. I think what he was telling you was that HE needs for you to fit into one of those categories. What concerns me though... is his inability to say "no". Because if you remain what you are... a strong, independant American woman who also happens to be part Sudanese will he be strong enough to live with that?
The funny thing is that most people here seem to accept that I am both Sudanese and American. Once Sudanese people know that about me, they can accept that my Arabic is shitty, that I wear jeans sometimes, that I don't usually cover my head. And my expatriate colleagues accept that I don't hang with them much, because I've got family to hang with, that I do speak Arabic (a little) and alternate sitting with the Arabic and English speaking staff. I think you're right, he's saying he needs me to fit into one of those catergories. But that's never going to happen. So is he really saying that he's done with me? That he just can't reconcile his love with the reality of what it will take for him to be with me? That he's not brave enough to stand up and proclaim that he loves me regardless of what other people may think? I'm giving it a few more months. And I'm letting him know we've got some serious talking to do. Because I believe he fell in love with me for who I am... not what box I fit into (or don't).
ReplyDeleteI think that too often, religion and strict societal rules beget hypocrisy. People are raised to believe a specific thing - and even moreso - have it ingrained in them that to live outside of those rules, or to even think outside of those rules is wrong. When faced with thoughts, desires, people who exist outside of those rules, it is a crisis for them.
ReplyDeleteI think often, for many people, it comes down to the hypocritical practice of leading public lives and private lives. In public, in the eyes of the society in which they live, they are everything they believe they should be - they live by the rules. In private, they give in to themselves - live for themselves and the thoughts, desires and people that go against the rules.
I mean, I guess we all do that to an extent. I think it can be hard to be both the public and private person at once. But I think it's particularly difficult for people who really can't let go of or even question the validity of the public rules - even when their own lives, their own thoughts and desires, their own LOVE is telling them otherwise.
It seems to me that this is what your man is doing. What he wants you to do. Be Sudanese, follow the rules, in public. Be who you are, who you want to be at home, alone, with him.
In that sense, he could be holding you to the same standard he holds himself to. Behaving one way when others are watching and another when out of sight.
It's sad though. You have such an amazing, well defined sense of who you are with all your facets and you're happy and comfortable with you. That's so incredible and something that, I think, most people lack. I would hate to see you suppress any part for the sake of fitting a public image.
I think you're right Julie. And thank you for helping me clarify what he wants: Public Me for everyone else. Private Me for him. Sudanese Me in public. American Me in private. And maybe that's one of the things he loves about me - that I have those two sides. I think what Jesi said is also true... he needs me to fit into a box - or 2 boxes - and not have them overlap. And maybe I can do that to an extent... But the edges will be blurred. I'm willing to go to some pretty great lengths for the love I feel for him - as I guess is clear :) But I'll need some compromise from him.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to see him tonight. I really need to talk this out. And he can't make it here, of course, because he is again without a car. He told me, "If I can make it tomorrow, I'll come. And the night after that. And the night after that... If I could see you every night I would." And I so appreciate his intentions... And I feel so loved when he tells me he wants to be near me. I just have to work out this other stuff with him so we can move forward.
And thank you both for taking the time to help me see things as they are, to see beyond my emotions to the bigger picture.