Water

Seems my entire life revolves around water these days:

There's the enormous bottle of water I force myself to drink before the azzan signals the rising of the sun each morning...
And the same bottle refilled and drunk again each night before I allow myself to sleep...
The long days in between, trying to limit my exertion so as to avoid getting thirsty...
The moments - brushing my teeth, showering, performing wudu - when I must make sure I don't drink any water.

What a different Ramadan this has been. I am fasting for the first time. Nineteen days done and 11 more to go. And, alhamdulillah, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Most years I have anxiety dreams about my classroom before the start of the school year. This year, my only anxiety dreams were about fasting, about going a full day in the Sudanese heat without water.

The funny thing is I don't get that hungry and I don't get that thirsty. The water I drink during the hours of darkness, the food I eat before sunrise sustains me through the day. The hardest part at the beginning was figuring out what to do with my lunch periods and breaks. I never noticed how much time I spend eating, making coffee and tea, sipping throughout the day. In the mid-afternoon, I do find myself getting a little hungry, but it passes. I've lost a noticeable amount of weight, though many people gain during Ramadan. I simply don't have the luxury of staying up all night eating. Work begins at 7:30 a.m..

I find myself thinking about where I will break my fast or what I will cook when I get home. I perform salat, prayer in the morning after I eat and drink, again at the end of the school day, again when I get home, after the azzan calls at maghreb, sunset time and once more before I sleep.

My son, who now proudly calls himself a Muslim, prays with me sometimes. He does salat with me and sometimes says du'a, asking Allah to help him do a 12 second handstand and take care of his family. Every once in a while he says, "I can't believe I'm really a Muslim. My faith is Islam." He is studying about values and religions in his class now. His group will make a poster about Islam.

Ramadan is a blessing. Each day my alarm goes off at 4:00 a.m.. I get up and make myself a strong, sweet, milky cup of coffee. I grab leftovers from the fridge and my bottle of water and walk out to the balcony in the darkness of the early morning. I start up my computer and begin thinking about what quote I will post with the daily countdown of days remaining. And then I begin what is usually a relaxed time of eating, drinking coffee, having water and smoking a couple of cigarettes.

On days when I wake up late, I look like a bullemic on a food binge. I sip my coffee with one hand, smoke with the other. I put the coffee cup down when I reach the grounds and begin stuffing food into my mouth, smoking between bites. Then the water - gulping down water until I can no longer breathe, gasping for air, watching the computer's clock and counting down minutes until the azzan will call. I'm in a panic. I am afraid that I won't make it through the day if I don't ingest enough caffeine, water, protein and nicotine. And having fasted successfully for this many days, I don't want to mess up.

When the muezzin calls, the suhur, the pre-dawn meal is done. I slowly get up, stomach stuffed to capacity, water sloshing around inside me, and go to perform wudu, washing before prayer. I pull on yesterday's skirt and wrap a scarf around me to cover my head and arms. I pray my two rakat. I turn on my bedside lamp and take my Qur'an into my lap, picking up where I left off the morning before. I have read over 1,000 pages since Ramadan began. I read until it is time to wake my son to get ready for school. He smiles at me when I wake him and asks for his back to be scratched or massaged before he stretches and begins to get ready. He often asks me if I drank my water and ate enough.

And that is when the fast begins. I make sure I don't accidentally drink water while brushing my teeth and showering. I make sure I have my scarf so I can pray in school. My son makes sure to pack his lunch and we are off...

School days are full of people fasting and people who are not fasting apologizing for eating and drinking. No apologies necessary, I tell them. I choose to fast. You choose to eat and drink. My fast is not broken by your lunches.

When we return home, after a full day of school, it is time to decide where I will break my fast and with whom. But when the azzan calls for maghreb I am never very hungry, and usually not that thirsty. When I break fast with other people who are fasting, it is a blessing. I feel I am part of a larger community, that I am not alone in the restraint I must exhibit. We pray side by side after eating our dates and drinking juice. In Tuti, with my family, we eat from one tray. At friends' houses and at my house, we have our plates and forks. At restaurants the meal varies. But all of Khartoum listens together for the azzan and breaks our fast together.

I love hosting people in my house, though cooking without being able to taste as I cook is a challenge. We've had the most un-Sudanese iftars imaginable: sushi rolls, cheeseburgers, brownies. Before Ramadan ends, inshallah, I will prepare a Sudanese meal: aseeda and mulah, gurassa and t'aamia.

Tomorrow I will go to the house of the one aunty with whom I have not yet broken fast. The next day, I will break fast with the support staff from my school. We teachers will serve them their iftar. And after that, who knows?

But no matter when I wake up, how much I read or where I break fast, each day is a blessing. Each day I am reminded of my strength and willpower. I am reminded of what hunger and thirst feel like. Each day and night I say my prayers and say dhikr, alhamdulillah 99 times. I ask Allah to help me be content with what is good for me and to help me be content with letting go of what is not. I ask Him to help me to be ready for love and to help me find a person to be my life partner. Each night I pray that I sleep and wake easily. I pray for dreams to guide me.

And next Ramadan, inshallah, I will be ready to fast and to break fast with friends and family.

Alhamdulillah.