"I want you to be the kind of person who does the right thing, even when nobody is watching," I told my son tonight. "Do you know why?"
"Because it's the right thing?" he asked.
"Yes, that's it."
I'm frustrated tonight. Angry. Furious. How many times do I have to tell him? Punish him? Talk to him? Praise him? How many times before he gets the point?
No, he didn't do anything terrible tonight, but my patience has worn thin. He didn't beat anyone up or stomp anyone. He didn't have a fight. But I watched him push someone, a girl he didn't even know, because she took a ball he and his friends were playing with. She told him it was hers - in Arabic. He didn't understand. But that doesn't excuse it. That doesn't make it all right for him to put his hands on her. He jumped in front of a six year old girl who was about to sit on a swing. He's not two years old or even five. He's eight f&*%ing years old. Old enough to make better choices.
Why doesn't he get it yet? Why doesn't he understand or have the self control to refrain from lashing out? He should know better by now.
And I told him off on the way home. I was relentless. Maybe even mean. I don't feel good about it. But I was honest with him. When he puts his hands on people, not only does he get in trouble, but he develops a reputation. And the reputation he has right now is not good. And the fact that he is rarely able to take responsibility for his actions means that nobody will believe him if there's a conflict that he didn't initiate. Even I probably won't believe him.
And that feels awful.
I want to believe my child's word, believe that he is kind and caring. But every time I see something like this - him putting his hands on someone for no good reason - I lose faith. For a while.
And I feel like an idiot for trying to defend him, though I have to. If this is what his social interactions in school look like, no wonder they think he's a mean kid. (Not everyone. As he told me the other day, there are some teachers who know he's a nice kid.)
I don't know. I don't know what to think. I want to spend a day as a fly on the wall of his classroom and see what he's like when he thinks I'm not watching.
And I don't know what to do next. What to say to him.
I want him to be the kind of person who does the right thing, even when nobody is watching.
I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is to keep consistently giving messages even when our kids are going through a stage when it seems like they are incapable of absorbing the message.
ReplyDeleteI've gone through this with my oldest so many times - but with different issues. The most ongoing one for us is personal hygiene. It seems that after 11 years of getting a message everyday, it would sink in - but nope - she's in a stage where she just doesn't care. I remember being in that phase at around her age, wondering why everyone made such a big deal about it. Then a couple of years later - combined with an interest in boys - personal hygiene was elevated to a whole new level - colognes, make-up, breath fresheners, acne creams...on and on. I suspect that one day the child I have to argue with to get in the shower, I will be yelling at to get out of the shower.
The trick is to just keep sending the message over and over consistently, and whenever possible, calmly. Even when it doesn't seem like it's sinking in, it is.
Plus, no offense intended, and I ADORE your son, but in my experience, most 8-year-old boys are nightmares. It seems like the age during which the main message they do take in and act out is that we live in a male dominated society. Somehow they too often take this to mean that they are superior to girls and therefore don't have to treat girls with courtesy and respect. I see even the gentlest boys disregarding the girls around them in little ways that can easily go unnoticed.
I think Jib is lucky because he has a mother...a family...who will counteract the images of a male dominated world by continually reinforcing the message that all people are worthy of courtesy and respect.
A friend recently told me the story of what a horror her brother was growing up. Their mother despaired that he would ever stop causing trouble, would ever learn to be considerate of others, would ever apply himself in school. Yet, now he is a kind, responsible, loving father and husband with a Masters degree.
Kids grow up and those messages quietly do their work. Before you know it you'll be looking at a adult son who is teaching his child to do the right thing, even when no one is watching.