New Year's Eve

Cooking with my little sister. Getting ready for the New Year's party.

Contemplating trust and love here in New York and a day and night away, in Sudan. I called him to say Happy New Year, to bring the Sudanese New Year in with him, even if I'm not there. And it left me wondering who he's spending time with. Because when I told him I love him - because I had to say it - he said, "Okay." He told me there are millions of people. For me, those millions wouldn't matter. Love is love. And which of those millions of people was listening to his conversation? I know I called just before the stroke of midnight. I know whoever was there with him might have been jealous. I don't care. I have the right. 12:00 a.m. January 1 is mine. I know. It's spiteful and immature of me. I know he has already shown by his actions that I'm not his priority. I know I shouldn't have expected anything more of him than what I got. Maybe even getting through was more than I should have expected.

And yet I'm still hurt. Nothing new and nothing I won't get past.

He could redeem himself. He could call me at my midnight and profess his love, but I'm guessing that won't happen.

I found out another person I thought I could trust is not worthy of that trust - well, two more people, no three, actually, maybe four. It's like - you think you know a person's limits and can trust them because they love you unconditionally. And then you find out they have no limits. Boundaries don't exist. They will do anything or anyone to gain a few minutes or hours of reprieve from the demands of their lives, from the pressure of their own choices. They told me I deserved better than what I was being given turned around and gave me worse - quietly, secretly, behind my back.

Am I hurt? Of course I am. But I'm no longer surprised. Not overwhelmed. It is what it is. They are who they are. I am still going to be who I am. Not spiteful nor vengeful. Seeking peace and love.

My resolutions for 2010:

Love everyone, trust a few. Do wrong to none. (William Shakespeare)
Play music. Create art. Cook. Write.
Learn. Live. Love. Grow.