How to Get to Tuti - Instructions to Self

1. Back out of the building gates without running the guard over.
2. Drive between the two mountains of trash avoiding any large stones or bricks, and especially any mud or standing water.
3. Ease onto the paved road in first gear.
4. Shift into second gear, then third for a few seconds, then back to second to make the right turn onto the other road.  Avoid hitting any rekshas.
5. Weave down the road in third gear avoiding dogs, pedestrians, donkey carts, and cars coming toward you in your "lane."
6. Shift back into first gear and move quickly through the pond on the edge of Shar'aa Sitteen.  Avoid cars and trucks flying down Shar'aa Sitteen. Shift into second, third, and maybe fourth, depending on traffic and stoplights and whether people are actually observing stoplights.
   
7. When you get to the end of Shar'aa Sitteen, go left, right, and left onto the road headed toward the airport.  Curse the male drivers who think they can cut you off and cut them off in turn.
   
8. Before you hit the planes, go right onto the road that looks like a one way street but isn't.  
9. Merge onto the bigger street, following it straight, then left.  You'll know you're on the right road when you see the trees and the Miranda billboard.
10. Follow this road until you get to the huge roundabout/traffic circle.  
11. Rev the engine in first and beg, "Please, please don't hit me huge bus! I'm trying really hard to get into the circle!"
12. Pray.
13. Don't go right in the traffic circle because that will take you over a bridge.  Go around the circle to go straight and breathe a sigh of relief if you manage to get through without getting crushed.
14. Go straight until you see the corner where the two kind men helped you find your way when you thought you were lost.
15. Go past two more intersections, about.  Look for the corner with the big mosque topped by the crescent moon.  Go right.
16. Avoid fasting pedestrians who wander into the street without looking.  Look for the sign that says Shar'aa Al Jam'a. Go that way.
17. When you get to the sculpture at the end of the street, go left.
18. Breathe a sigh of relief.  You're almost there.  Smile in disbelief that you didn't get lost this time.
19. Go straight, around the small traffic circle, and look to your right for the egg tower, aka Burj al-Fateh to let you know you are close to the bridge.
    
20. When you see the yellow and black marked lane dividers, go right into the second lane, up and over the Tuti Kubry (Bridge).  
21. Slow down before you hit the bumpy things at the end of the bridge. Go right.
22. Talk to the people as you drive slowly past. "Okay.  Walk in the street. Don't worry about the cars.  No, go ahead, really, right down the middle.  I'll do my best not to hit you.  Okay, child, please don't decide to step into the road..."
23. Take your first (and only) left.  It's a dirt "road." If you miss it you will be stuck on a very narrow road all the way to the mahatta where you may have to ask some kind stranger to turn your car around without killing anyone.
24. Go right-ish.  No, there's no road.  Avoid the sand piles, rock piles, and large stones. 
25. Look for the house with the sky blue and white wrought iron detail on the top.
26. "Park" the car.  
27. Neutral.  
28. Emergency break.  
29. Sigh.